The good, the bad...and the bad...and more bad

So I was vacuously prattling away to my long suffering lady friend about the usual mundane inconsequential bullshit as always and I hit a post. One of those moments of absolute clarity when you realise you've either been lied to, or nothing is as it seems...which still feels like you're being lied to. And not just me, all of you at some point or another have borne witness to this incredible web of "what or how the fuck?!", you might just not have realised it yet. Well i'm going to lay the tracks for you, where they go? Anyones guess, I would assume nowhere good, possibly a padded room, possibly Nirvana. Who's to say.

Anyway, it's about the Gremlins movies.

There's Gizmo, this fuzzy, adorable, happy little go lucky rapscallion, wouldn't hurt a fly, watches far too many movies, plays chess and sings a merry song alll day long. Now... Mogwais' (Gizmo is a Mogwai) when they get wet tend to produce offspring, sure there's a dirty joke in here somewhere but I don't want to get side tracked. I mean he spits them out like a pitching machine, bam bam bam bam, Ladies, you should talk to a Mogwai about childbirth. That is hardcore, no fluke, just every damn time. Just add water for instant babies, he can be violated with an eye dropper in the most innocent of ways. Whether or not he gets off on getting soaked is a topic i'll save for another day, I mean the poor fuck needs to get something out of the deal, right?
Which brings me swiftly to the point in hand. What does he get? I'll tell you what. He always ends up with the same archetype band of assholes. Now lets assume it's a parental thing rather than a sibling thing, surely you would think, SURELY, after I dunno how many times he ends up shooting out kids he might one day end up with another good Mogwai? No! No he ends up with an alpha bully and a toss up of two other characters who are either inherently just as evil as his newly spawned nemesis, or neutrally destructive/dumb enough to fall in line and become minions. Now even then, why hasn't any of them been like "Hey Spike, hey, nice plan, nice plan but here's a better plan. How about fuck you, Spike. How about Fuck...you."? Not even for a token cuff around the head and an assertive "Because I says so". Now I don't know about you, but i'd like to see some sort of Mogwai devide and a line of battle, i'd like to see them all meet on the football pitch for a bit of a punch up to assertain who should be the alpha bad guy, orrrr good guy, i'd like to see the heavens open during the fight and the shit reeeeally hitting the fan. Mogwais scoring goals everywhere. I digress however There never will be an alpha good guy aside from Gizmo though because he appears to actually BE the only good Mogwai in existence...
Which brings me full circle. If he's the ONLY good Mogwai, how did he become the only good Mogwai? Is it just that shit never goes right for him? I assume they must be able to produce good guys otherwise how the blazing fuck would Gizmo even exist? Is this a chicken and egg thing?!

Before my head finally exploded I concluded it was probably because he spent far too much time with that old chinese man in his opium den breathing in all that second hand smoke. That's probably why his babies are defective...Also explains the crazy one with the googly eyes. God love 'm.

Smoke gets in my eyes...

It's with great sadness and regret that I write this with tears in my eyes...

I just cooked some frozen sausages and those rat bastards spewed out so much cantankerous toxic vapour that I really do feel like i've just been wearing onion ring spectacles all day long. Naturally this makes me sad because my eyes sting like a mad bastard and fills me with regret because if I hadn't cooked them, none of this would have happened... Being such a manly man though I sucked it up and soldiered on through the fog of war and came out victorious. The fact of the matter if they tasted good or not is irrelevant, it's the act of valour that makes it worth writing about. I could also write about how cooking some for my pretty lady counterpart has earned me some hefty relationship tokens, but I won't delve into that because that's just crass and right now I feel like a goddamn hero. Heros don't kiss and tell.
Anyway, I took a break from my adventures (of which I have many) and cooking sausages to ponder where this stingy cloud actually came from and why. There's no concrete evidence of course but I like to think I know what happened because i'm a man and we like to at least appear sure about shit we know nothing about. Rattle in the engine? It's probably your flange combobulator rattling off the cockshaft. Muffins not rising? It's probably due to the fact you didn't use half as much pixie dust as you should have. Hole in the atmosphere? God decided to fuck us all...literally.Temperamental women? Ahahahah, yeah ok we don't know that much, even pretending as much will often lead to a hefty cockpunch and a severe deduction of relationship tokens.

Anyway, I digress. The stinging smoke can only be explained by a means that most of you will scoff at, it requires a broad mind and a very centred spiritual core.
One time at the beach when I was but a carefree pup, finger buried up to the knuckle in my proboscis and my other hand probably hovering somewhere near or on my genitalia, I discovered a jellyfish...As you are want to do on beaches. Jellyfish love beaches, who doesn't love beaches. Jellyfish like most other creatures, however, probably don't like getting fucked up by a 5 year old with a big ol stick.
That jellyfish waited in the ether until I was old enough, it has watched and waited my whole life probably willing a 5 year old nearby to pick up a piece of driftwood and work me over...But that never happened. I'm assuming this guy finally ran out of patience and decided to come back into this world, into that kitchen, materialise from my sausages and go feral on my eyes.

It's the only logical explaination.

Well played, Jellyfish....Well played.

Kicking and screaming.

Well, sports fans, creepers, peepers, the big the bad , the beautiful, the not so beautiful, the plain old ugly and everyone in between ( I assume you'll catagorise yourself, I don't have the time or resources for that), welcome to my domain. I say "domain" like it's some sort of ethereal and personalized Castle Greyskull, goblin city, or Alamo ( it might be all three of the above at certain points of the proceedings) but lets face it, it's nothing more than a silly little corner of the internet i've hijacked for my own (maybe not so) nefarious purposes  It's a place I planted my own little flag, built my own little treehouse and swung out the ladder for anyone that has the sense or insensibility to find out what goes on in my head, or how I deal with the every day. I'd like to point out that due to various reasons I had to take down the "No girls allowed" sign in conjunction with certain equality laws, so if there are any girls here please, in the name of equality, leave *some* cake for the guys. Only reason I tried to implement this design. I've been good to you, don't fuck me over on this, play nice.
Anyway, this is just an intro of sorts to let you know where I am. I'll leave you all to get on with your daily ramblings until you hear the clarion call again. Not that there will be one, i'm a busy man you might just want to check back sporadically.

And seriously guys, share the cake.

Share the cake.