So I was vacuously prattling away to my long suffering lady friend about the usual mundane inconsequential bullshit as always and I hit a post. One of those moments of absolute clarity when you realise you've either been lied to, or nothing is as it seems...which still feels like you're being lied to. And not just me, all of you at some point or another have borne witness to this incredible web of "what or how the fuck?!", you might just not have realised it yet. Well i'm going to lay the tracks for you, where they go? Anyones guess, I would assume nowhere good, possibly a padded room, possibly Nirvana. Who's to say.
Anyway, it's about the Gremlins movies.
There's Gizmo, this fuzzy, adorable, happy little go lucky rapscallion, wouldn't hurt a fly, watches far too many movies, plays chess and sings a merry song alll day long. Now... Mogwais' (Gizmo is a Mogwai) when they get wet tend to produce offspring, sure there's a dirty joke in here somewhere but I don't want to get side tracked. I mean he spits them out like a pitching machine, bam bam bam bam, Ladies, you should talk to a Mogwai about childbirth. That is hardcore, no fluke, just every damn time. Just add water for instant babies, he can be violated with an eye dropper in the most innocent of ways. Whether or not he gets off on getting soaked is a topic i'll save for another day, I mean the poor fuck needs to get something out of the deal, right?
Which brings me swiftly to the point in hand. What does he get? I'll tell you what. He always ends up with the same archetype band of assholes. Now lets assume it's a parental thing rather than a sibling thing, surely you would think, SURELY, after I dunno how many times he ends up shooting out kids he might one day end up with another good Mogwai? No! No he ends up with an alpha bully and a toss up of two other characters who are either inherently just as evil as his newly spawned nemesis, or neutrally destructive/dumb enough to fall in line and become minions. Now even then, why hasn't any of them been like "Hey Spike, hey, nice plan, nice plan but here's a better plan. How about fuck you, Spike. How about Fuck...you."? Not even for a token cuff around the head and an assertive "Because I says so". Now I don't know about you, but i'd like to see some sort of Mogwai devide and a line of battle, i'd like to see them all meet on the football pitch for a bit of a punch up to assertain who should be the alpha bad guy, orrrr good guy, i'd like to see the heavens open during the fight and the shit reeeeally hitting the fan. Mogwais scoring goals everywhere. I digress however There never will be an alpha good guy aside from Gizmo though because he appears to actually BE the only good Mogwai in existence...
Which brings me full circle. If he's the ONLY good Mogwai, how did he become the only good Mogwai? Is it just that shit never goes right for him? I assume they must be able to produce good guys otherwise how the blazing fuck would Gizmo even exist? Is this a chicken and egg thing?!
Before my head finally exploded I concluded it was probably because he spent far too much time with that old chinese man in his opium den breathing in all that second hand smoke. That's probably why his babies are defective...Also explains the crazy one with the googly eyes. God love 'm.
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